"How's recovery?"
I never really know how to answer that question.
There never really is one set answer. At least not for me.
So much of the time, I live in this ebb and flow of recovery. Where one moment things are smooth and then next, just getting through my morning coffee is a struggle. And I LOVE coffee. (there are just no words)
Currently, I'm having some better moments.
I've been letting go of a lot lately. Things that were part of my routine, just because they were routine, but not adding to my better moods.
A few posts ago, I mentioned how Wednesdays tend to just put me in a very complex place. Typically it's when we monitor my progress through a weigh in. Ever since my mom moved in and Jake and I made the mecca back to Michigan, my physical progress has gotten better. But the weekly weight checks weren't putting me in a good place. So we decided that I would take a week off. Well one week turned in to three. And if you really knew me a few months ago, you would know that ED needed this weekly check in. It needed to happen regardless of how it made me feel. So I decided to distance myself from that need, and try just living with what I, Alicia, wanted. And it was a good three weeks.
Last week, Jake and I decided it was about time for a progress check. And I was terrified. I had felt great these past few weeks and now it was all going to come crashing down because a number was going to make me feel this way. Not cool.
So the moment comes, and I check in. It's been three weeks, and I ate, it HAS to be so much more than last time.
. . .
All in all, it wasn't what I had built it up to in my head. ED had gotten me all worked up, expecting the worst, and honestly, the number was easy to except.
Maybe because I took some power away by not checking in every week? Maybe because I'm coming back into myself?
Who knows.
I'm excited for what's happening.
In those three weeks, I tried new things. Ate cookie cake. Traveled to Chicago for donuts.
I enjoyed life.
All of these things are exponentially better than the number.
I'm thankful for this moment right now. For my shift in attitude. And not to say that I don't have bad days still. But I think it's all in how we handle them. Bad days will build better ones.
0 comments:
Post a Comment