aftermath

So, I don't know

Writing feels off this week

I suppose maybe I don't even know what I’m trying to express

like, really,

Let me preface all of this by saying

I am okay

This isn’t a fall into the dark side

A step backwards

I love my life

And I’m thankful for my support

Because I feel like I have amazing support around me, I like using this space as my way of just taking time to get things off my chest.

This is an honest look at the aftermath

The aftermath of a lifelong struggle

And a particularly hard month

Where life has just been frustrating

I spend all this time and effort on getting healthy

And for what?

Digestive issues

Skin problems

increasing arthritis

Sometimes things felt better when I was anorexic

And I know that’s not true

But it feels that way 
Things always seem easy when you choose not to look at the problem
Which is exactly what I use to do

I am just starting to feel trapped because I can’t even live into the lifestyle that I want to

I KNOW what I want to fuel my body with

I do in-fact have lifestyle goals

But with all these problems-

I can’t eat literally any of the things I want to

Look

See for yourself:

So then what happens

I prep and prep and prep

And I still eat the crap

Reach for the candy

Eat all the junk food

Even after i make the choices I want

It’s like there is no shut off button to the subconscious that compels me to just keep eating

But I don’t make the healthy choices I want

Because I can’t

Literally entire food groups are off limits right now so my body can heal

Why then does my body digest all the horrible food just fine?

More than anything

My head is just tired of trying to figure all this out

Like,

Just

So

Tired.

I feel as if I’m stuck on this wheel of resisting temptation of just giving in and letting the demons win, striving to make the healthy choices but constantly feeling like I can’t stop just eating anything and everything while all the while wishing I was the picture of health instagram vegan princess.

Really

It’s been just a very prevalent battle of balance

Over the last year

And especially in this last month

It’s just starting to feel like there is some subconsciousness holding me back from actually living a healthy balanced lifestyle

This maybe isn’t the best snapshot into my life post eating disorder

But I feel like these are the moments to highlight

The times where it all just isn’t ok after you’re on the other side

When you still spend hours online searching for the calories in a crepe

When you squirm in your massage because you didn’t work out that morning and you worry about her hands pulling on your skin

When you’re laying on a bed in pain instead of enjoying the 4th of July downstairs

When all your heart is after is to just eat good food and your body won’t let you

Or when you eat all the food and lay awake at night wishing you had a better sense of self control.

And I don’t say all this to get pity points

Or to have you feel bad for me

I really just needed on paper and out of my head

And to be honest 

I love taking to this platform just to get out of my head, so thank you if you're still here and reading along. I'll dive deeper next week on my physical symptoms, naturopathic medicine and the role this has all played in my life over the past year!

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lets get real

When your mind is a mess, the best thing to do is try to make sense of it

So thats what im going to try and do through these next few blogs- make sense

source

Im thankful that I am at the point in my life where I certainly am feeling more self aware, but that 
doesn't always make it easier to handle.

Typically these would be the times where I would talk to a trusted therapist, but blogging tends to 
be much cheaper, so if you’re here, thank you, strap in, it's going to be one heck of a ride.

I think what has held me back for so long is that I am afraid people will read this and just assume 
that my life is spiraling off the deep end

That I’m not on “the other side” so to speak.

What I guess I mean is, most of the time, people just want to hear the end.

The redemption

The problem with waiting for someone to hit their redemption story is, life doesn't always work out that way.

Giving out one singular redemption and it’s over.

I mean yea, had you known me three years ago, on the outside looking in, by most people's 
definition, they would say “well she certainly has a redemption story”

And I suppose what has really been holding me back from writing is that I'm scared to ruin this 
redemption illusion.

No one really ever wants to talk about the middle

The struggle

It’s like everyone is waiting for you to hit some pivotal point and #blessed

But that's just not life

And if I’m honest

This has been an incredibly messy and hard month

Call me lame, but I have listened to the same musical for WEEKS now

And I think I seriously can’t get enough of it because it highlights that middle part people often 
brush under the rug.

For me, letting people know I’m still in the middle has been incredibly hard and embarrassing 
I guess? 

I feared for a while that it’s a tired topic

A “wow she’s still going on about that” topic

And ya, my life looks different than it did those few years ago

And I’m not even going to deny that I haven’t had some point of redemption. All I’m saying is that it-can happen more than once, for the same situation. Lightning can always strike again and 
I guess so can life. Even if it’s already hit that spot before.

So I guess through these next few posts, my goal is to be crazy open and honest and work 
through a lot of just mental mess.

If you’re still reading, I love you and appreciate you!

Thanks for taking the time,

And certainly stay tuned, because it’s about to get real.

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r u OK

OK!
So I know I don't live in Australia
BUT
I am slightly obsessed with the country
Through this obsession I learned they are raising mental health awareness.
Today happens to be R U OK Day

"R U OK?Day is our national day of action dedicated to reminding everyone that we’ve all got what it takes to ask, “are you ok?” and support those struggling with life."



Their aim is to inspire people to start these types of conversations any day of the year

I wanted to take this time today to reintroduce myself back into the blogosphere and open up the conversation.


Not that I want this to turn into a "woe is me"


But when I was blogging before, it was an amazing outlet to just personally work through things
And I am hoping today to open the conversation and really answer am I OK?
Much like before I'm hoping this will bring me some therapeutic relief, but also I hope that this encourages a conversation.
Freedom to ask questions
Or to simply
Not be
OK
All the time.



Some of you who've been reading along or perhaps know me personally, know the journey life has brought me on.



But for those who don't.



I had a strong eating disorder.
For more on that story, you can simply click here



However,  for the last two years I've been in recovery.
Some days were terrible, some were awesome.


can you tell i love my pet?

And for the better part of this last year I'd say things were fantastic

Would I say it's gone?
Probably not


Yes, I know what I'm saying.
And that probably doesn't sound amazing.
But hear me out


It's like being under a constant curse.
I'm going to let my inner geek out for a minute
What better way to explain a curse than drawing on Once Upon A Time


I know, i know.
I've drawn on this comparison before
But it's one of the best ways I can explain.
There's a season where Emma is cursed to being the Dark One




Rumpelstiltskin is constantly making his way in her head.

To be the voice that lures her in.

Reminding her how much easier things would be if she would just stop fighting it...



And that's what it feels like right now.
Like having Rumple, follow you around 24/7.
Pulling you in to become the dark one when you're trying your hardest not to let everyone down by letting that happen.

The most annoying part of it all?
Is that there is a part of me that just wants it.
Wishing it would just come back into my life

And I get mad at myself because I know that I'm a stronger person than just giving in.

But, for some reason I feel like I've been programmed to constantly want things to go the wrong way.

Its irritating because I know that that's not what I want and yetI sit here wanting it
Then I sit here getting frustrated because I know that I can do better than that.


Like.
Do I really want to go back to that?
No.


But I sit here thinking about it as I drive to the doctors appointment- to HEAL my stomach.

What's most frustrating is that I feel like I can't express a lot of what I'm thinking because people will start to worry or question whether or not I'm serious about my recovery.

 But I feel like this is important to talk about because I don't want to be a person who is just putting on a façade all the time.


Because no, things are perfect after recovery.

It can certainly be easy to portray things being better than they are through social media.
And that's never what I've wanted



So it's just annoying. I'm feeling very frustrated. Mostly with myself.
But I would hate for this post to turn into something that makes people worry
Or caused them to watch me closer.



I'm posting this because I want to be honest for somebody who might be going through the same thing and is expecting things to just fall into place and for these thoughts to go away because sometimes just don't.
But you have just got to find something that makes you more motivated to not do what you're used to doing.



WOW
Can you tell it's been way too long since I've blogged?


If you're a still reading,
thank you for making it through the novel.



I'm excited to have this platform.
Hopefully today will spark a question.


And if you have any for me, please don't hesitate
I'm definitely an open book.
I would love to answer them!

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playlist.

I believe when people make a playlist, it is typically a soundtrack to their life and where they are in the present moment.

Well, at least that is true for me. 

Any time I have or ever have had a playlist in my collection it was usually a direct correlation to what was happening in my life. What I was feeling, thinking, hoping for. I always feel like lyrics do a better job than I ever could do putting to words just really and truly what I am feeling.

Enter –Sia.

This artist is my playlist.

Listening to her and her lyrics is finally giving me a lens into my own life.

I read once someone described her album This is Acting, as if you were reading a diary. 

That's why I think I am so drawn to her as an artist. 

She was able to identify where I was in my darkest places as well as my places of greatest strength. 

Her album was a diary into my own life, in a manner of speaking. 

You know how people say it’s hard to see the whole situation when you’re the one right in the middle of the issue. But everyone else around you clearly knows what’s going on and what the problem is.

Well, I feel like now, she is giving me the opportunity to be the outsider looking in on my own life. Her words are like a narrative into where I was when I was in the midst of my disorder, and they speak so loudly to where I am now.

It’s taken me such a long time to sit down and finally try to write this. But it’s really hard to explain how something makes you feel. So, I am going to try.

What I wanted and hope to do with this mini series is focus in on a few songs that speak loudly to where I am presently as well as where my past had been. I hope you all are ready for the ride and that I do this and Sia justice as I jump right in!

I’m literally sweating!

I could have something to do with the fact my car said 104 degrees as I left today. But I think that I just have way too many thoughts that I want to type and my hands just aren’t fast enough!

Track 1- Elastic Heart. 

Elastic Heart was a song constantly in my speakers during a period in my life where everything just felt chaotic and disjointed. I think that’s why I enjoyed the music under her lyrics. The pattern of the rhythm is a movement of ups and downs, and for my life at that time, it just seemed like I was constantly at war.

At war with myself.

With Jake..

My family.

My therapist.

What I like about this song is that it is intertwined with two points of view. I want to approach this with my two selves. First as myself; Alicia. Second is my disorder. 

As I blasted these words through my speakers many a trip home from my therapist’s office, the lead into the chorus always stuck out in my head.

You will not break me

I’m still fighting for peace.

The disorder really liked that first line. 

Something about it just fueled my fire. I was not to be broken. Nothing anyone said at that point was going to change my mind. This was me, it was who I was and where I chose to be. And then there was the second line- I’m still fighting for peace. Because I was! I wanted things to be better so bad. And I felt that being sent to the hospital would be me throwing in the towel. ALICIA wanted to beat this disorder. I wanted the peace. I didn’t want the hospital, or doctors or someone else to get it for me. I wanted to get it myself. And I think that was the voice I was trying to convey, but the disordered voice was so much louder and would not be broken. I just ached for things to get better.

There was so much inner chaos in my life that I don’t even know if I knew it was there. But when I heard this song, it was like she had gone through and then expressed everything that I was feeling in those moments.

And I want it and I wanted it bad
But there were so many red flags
Now another one bites the dust
And let's be clear, I trust no one

These lyrics for me, represent how I almost feel like there were times when I accepted this into my life. I knew it was wrong in the beginning. I had total consciousness of the times I deliberately did things for my eating disorder. I had plenty of red flag moments where things that should have warranted me to turn away from this life, just didn’t. I feel like those were the moments where I just didn’t know what to trust. I knew people were only looking out for me, but I couldn’t always accept that, so I continued to live into the life I knew.

Music Video-

source

I like that in this beginning. Maddie is the one that is the dominant more intimidating presence. That’s how it could feel mentally, to have two dueling “me” in my head. As I would be there anorexia could tend to have this louder voice. And I would cower to it. I was afraid that I couldn’t stand up to it, and just played into its game all along. Then as the video plays, it’s almost like he’s trying to make peace with it closer to a minute into the video. She kicks him down and continues to be this dominant entity in side the cage.

And seriously.

When I watch it, it’s like a visual of how it felt to be inside my head. Any time I had any opposition to what it wanted, it won. Striking me down. Making me scared of this food, or that snack or being with those people.

It’s exhausting.

And just when I would think that the dragon was sleeping, it woke again.

There were so many ways I tried to fight back. I like that she says I walk through fire to save my life. I wanted my life SO bad. But I just had no idea what that life was I wanted. I tried this and that and everything else to fight against the disorder. When nothing seemed to work I chose to attempt embracing the disorder.

To live in tandem with it.

source

But it bit me back. That’s kind of when I feel like it awoke with full force. Sort of like the video.

This is where it began to really be an exhausting struggle.

This for me is incredibly laid out in a visual between Maddie and Shia. What I love next is when she actually leaves the cage they’re in.

Taunting him from the outside, he wants that part of his life back so bad.

source

Up until she gets out, the two selves were fighting with one another. Once she leaves, Shia realizes what’s gone, that old life of mine that I wanted so badly to move out of, I wanted back so bad. It’s hard to let go. He screams in anguish for her to return. And that’s how it felt. Not being able to give that part of my past up even though it was wrong. As she’s teasing him from the outside, I experienced what that felt like as my life began to shift.

That first shift happened in the hospital. They forcibly took that part of my life out of my reach, but I knew it could come back if I wanted it to. And as wrong as it was, I wanted that back into my life.

So I let it back in.

As much as I was afraid of this disorder, I needed it.

She comes back into the scene and as with me, it seemed worse the second time around. Gently she enters and he embraces that. He carries her like a burden on his back while she’s calling all the shots. I welcomed that part of my life back in. I let it have me for so long. And even my first stages into recovery, I feel like I still continued to hold on. And if you watch to the end of the video, he hangs on for so long. She continues to pull and manipulate and toy and he’s physically just so exhausted. That’s what it’s like. Before I truly let go. I wanted to hang on so badly to both of these lives and eventually you just have to reach that point where you let go.

And it’s hard.

I love when she leaves the first time. Like a kid throwing a tantrum. Its scary and uncomfortable to let that part of you go. I screamed. I ached for it back. I love Sia for how she visually chose to portray this part of her life because it spoke so loudly to me. Especially watching it now. It’s like watching what was happening in my head over the last 3 or 4 years.

I hope you can watch this with a new perspective or maybe just a little more intrigue. Let me know your thoughts today and as I continue this mini series!

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the end of my comfort zone

credit

I’ll do whatever it takes.

I find I say that to myself quite often when I know what I want.

This is where I want to be, “X” is what I want to do. I’ll do whatever it takes to get there.

But what happens when the “whatever” comes.

It’s knocking on your door. Telling YOU, “Hey, this is what needs to be done to get there” and all of a sudden you find yourself SUPER comfortable and happy with where your life is right now.

That goal you had in mind. That thing you once wanted. 

Ehhhhhhhh maybe it’s not so necessary, right?

Who needs it anyway?

I’m happy right where I am, because if getting where I want to go, means doing that “whatever” I’ll be just fine, right here.

This cycle of life happens SO much.

I’m kind of living it now.

Many of you who have followed me, and my blog are probably familiar with my past struggles and my story. Over the last year, my life has changed drastically from where I used to be, and how I used to live my day-to-day life.

As life has shifted and changed, so has my mentality and things I want and aspire for myself.

The tone of this blog may change from that of  “only about recovery” to the other avenues I am finding myself in. One in particular is fitness.

You’re probably asking yourself, “well what does fitness have to do with doing whatever it takes”.

Here’s where I fill you in!

A huge motivator in my recovery has been weight lifting. I LOVE lifting weights. I attribute a lot of my recovery to just gaining the knowledge of my body, understanding proper fueling and training regimens to be where I would love to be physically.

So this is where that “whatever” comes in.

I know what I want. I have goals for myself and for my body. I would love to lift X weight, look stronger, and build more muscle. And in the end, I know what that looks like. And I would love nothing more than to hop over the rainbow from one end to the other, just skipping all that middle stuff.

But that’s not life.

Life IS the middle stuff.

So in order to get to my “X” goal, I needed help with the middle.

I’ve learned so much on my own, but currently, I felt like my progress was not progressing.

I reached out, and have found incredible help! And when I got my new training program and nutritional programming in my email yesterday. I was so terrified.

The training looks exciting; I literally cannot wait to hit the gym.

But then I read the nutrition.

He has increased my caloric intake. My proteins and carbs increased from where they are currently.

Basically I’ve been eating and training for maintenance. The last 5 months, I’ve maintained. And for a while that was great. But recently it’s been irritating. Muscle weighs more than fat, so why has the scale not even moved UP??

I’ve been so stuck physically, and it’s getting on my nerves because I know where I want to be and the progress just isn’t happening.

So here in my email, are his tools to get me where I want to be. And I’m scared.

I’m talking myself out of it.

What’s so wrong with where I am now?

So what if I can never squat any heavier?

But that’s not what I want deep down.

All this fear of the whatever is keeping me from just jumping right in and using all this help.

You have all probably seen those motivational signs “life begins at the end of your comfort zone”.

I’ve probably walked past fifty different styles of that phrase at Hobby Lobby alone.

But it’s so true.

When we stay so comfortable and unwilling to do the “whatever” are we really reaching our truest goals?

Because I’m not.

So here is my first of many posts as I embark on this 12-week program. I’m so excited for the change and all the help I’m getting to work toward my goal.

I’m excited to see the physical changes along with the mentality changes as well J

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sometimes you want to quit.

wow guys. wow.

Literally it’s been so long since I’ve posted. Again I just hit a spell where I felt like I really had nothing to say. More honestly, I think in the times that I don’t know what to blog are the times when I’ve really been hitting some walls. Like really awful walls.

So let me summarize.

I can hands-down say that a huge part of my recovery has been through weight training. Focusing on heath. Wellness. Strength. And learning what to give my body in order to get that. Has helped me come farther than I thought I could. 

--DISCLAMER.

--This journey to recovery is not the be all, end all. I am not a doctor. I don’t think exercise is the best way to recover for everyone. I can’t say that it is the healthiest way to recover. It just worked for me. I didn’t do it alone. Always had support. Always knew what to feed my body. Do not start a fitness regimen without consulting a doctor. Please.

So. 

Back to fitness.

I felt it was the best way to recover  partly because I had talked myself into thinking that it was a way I could get healthy, make my parents happy, and still get the best “body” or version of my physical self. That’s why I started researching body building anyway. 

Now, this was back in like July. 

SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED SINCE JULY.

But even more so, a lot has happened within this last month.

bottom is January, top is March

Up until about April I felt so great. 

I thought I was doing all the right things, lifting all the weights, making “gains”. 

But my body was starting to plateau. 

I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to, but I wasn’t looking as lean, or putting on muscle like I thought. So I decided to find a coach.

Side bar, it’s been a phenomenal experience. Helping me reach my goals, get to where I need to be in the healthiest way possible. I'm super excited about my training. 

But up until I found my coach and got started on my program, I thought I was doing everything right. 

source

Do you ever do that? You think you’re doing everything right. Then suddenly find out that you had veered WAY off the path. Yea. That was me.

Before I wanted to body build,  I researched. 

A lot. 

I looked into how much muscle to gain and what was ideal for every month of my training. So I planned out meals, routines, and just went for it. Forgoing numbers and just doing what felt right. So when I hopped on my scale to send all my stats to my coach, I felt so proud. 

And then the number shows up.

12 pounds up. In TWO MONTHS????

What?

I literally didn’t know how to handle that. 

In the physical sense, I’m healthy. Good weight. BMI. My body is functioning, as it should be. But I felt like an enigma. 

That increase must be some kind of record. 

I tried to let it go. To move on with the morning. But by the end of that night, it festered so much in my mind that I exploded. 

Anxiety and panic over took my entire self. I haven’t weighed this much in YEARS. Years. But it’s not normal to not weigh that much. So the next morning, I just had to put on my big girl pants and move on.

As I got ready to start my training. I went over my meals, which I hadn’t done in months. I found where I went wrong. 

Unknowingly. I was eating 1000 calories more than I thought I was.  And to the outside person, who knows my struggle, looking in, probably thinks-well hey! That’s good. You needed to gain weight.

But honestly I’ve felt like I sabotaged all my fitness plans ever since that day. And that was back in like March. I haven’t been able to shake that.

I’ve been able to take it day by day. I love my training program, and my coach. And now that I’m on the right track, right diet, I feel better. But it’s seriously still looming over my head. And it all came crashing in again last night.

I caught a glimpse of a picture of myself from over the weekend. And I hated it. I hated everything about it. And all those feelings of everything I could have done better, should have known better crept in.

Honestly. Like real honesty time. I wanted to quit. 

Out loud I said to myself, to Jake, I would rather be deathly skinny than look the way I do right now. I never wanted to be here. I planned out everything. I should not have wound up where I am physically. I was done.

Disappointed in my weight gain. I just wanted to quit.

ED is right there. And honestly, I can have it back whenever I want.

But fitness is about so much more than just being shredded.

It’s about strength, and finding that strength, even outside the gym, to just keep pushing through. Even when it’s easier to quit. To just not “trust the process” anymore. And right now, I honestly don’t. But that doesn’t mean I can go back to where I came from. You've just got to keep going. When it’s uncomfortable, there are tears, you just want to go back to what’s comfortable and easy, but you wake up the next morning and eat your breakfast anyway.

And that’s where I am right now. I’m really having a hard time with self love and accepting my body for where it is now. But you’ve just got to keep trying. Keep working. And that’s my next goal for the blog.

I want to bring you along on my 12 week program. Share my progress. My highs, lows and all the middle stuff. That is my next plan!

I'm already on my second week and I feel great. I'm trying to let go of what's happened, and look ahead. 

More honesty, I'm glad my "planned out recovery" didn't go as planned. Because God has something SO much bigger in his eyes planned out. And if hitting the point I hit last night can help me understand or help just one person. I'm happy. 

Also, feel free to find me on Instagram. I want to promote vulnerability and I try to be as open as I can, and another outlet that has been mostly private for me is my Instagram. I’ve documented my shift from recovery to fitness on my second account. Look me up @a.bosslife

In other news, I want to vlog. Maybe that will be easier than some of these novel posts. But what do you think??

Comment, text, email, find me on IG. Let me know!

Love you all so much 

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