wow guys. wow.
Literally it’s been so long since I’ve posted. Again I just
hit a spell where I felt like I really had nothing to say. More honestly, I
think in the times that I don’t know what to blog are the times when I’ve
really been hitting some walls. Like really awful walls.
So let me summarize.
I can hands-down say that a huge part of my recovery has been
through weight training. Focusing on heath. Wellness. Strength. And learning
what to give my body in order to get that. Has helped me come farther than I thought I could.
--DISCLAMER.
--This journey to recovery is not the be all, end all. I am
not a doctor. I don’t think exercise is the best way to recover for everyone. I
can’t say that it is the healthiest way to recover. It just worked for me. I
didn’t do it alone. Always had support. Always knew what to feed my body. Do
not start a fitness regimen without consulting a doctor. Please.
So.
Back to fitness.
I felt it was the best way to recover partly because I had talked
myself into thinking that it was a way I could get healthy, make my parents
happy, and still get the best “body” or version of my physical self. That’s why
I started researching body building anyway.
Now, this was back in like July.
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED
SINCE JULY.
But even more so, a lot has happened within this last month.
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| bottom is January, top is March |
Up until about April I felt so great.
I thought I was doing
all the right things, lifting all the weights, making “gains”.
But my body was
starting to plateau.
I felt like I was doing everything I was supposed to, but
I wasn’t looking as lean, or putting on muscle like I thought. So I decided to
find a coach.
Side bar, it’s been a phenomenal experience. Helping me
reach my goals, get to where I need to be in the healthiest way possible. I'm super excited about my training.
But up until I found my coach and got started on my program,
I thought I was doing everything right.
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| source |
Do you ever do that? You think you’re doing
everything right. Then suddenly find out that you had veered WAY off the path.
Yea. That was me.
Before I wanted to body build, I researched.
A lot.
I looked into how much muscle to
gain and what was ideal for every month of my training. So I planned out meals,
routines, and just went for it. Forgoing numbers and just doing what felt
right. So when I hopped on my scale to send all my stats to my coach, I felt so
proud.
And then the number shows up.
12 pounds up. In TWO MONTHS????
What?
I literally didn’t know how to handle that.
In the physical
sense, I’m healthy. Good weight. BMI. My body is functioning, as it should be.
But I felt like an enigma.
That increase must be some kind of record.
I tried
to let it go. To move on with the morning. But by the end of that night, it
festered so much in my mind that I exploded.
Anxiety and panic over took my
entire self. I haven’t weighed this much in YEARS. Years. But it’s not normal
to not weigh that much. So the next morning, I just had to put on my big girl
pants and move on.
As I got ready to start my training. I went over my meals, which I hadn’t
done in months. I found where I went wrong.
Unknowingly. I was eating 1000
calories more than I thought I was.
And to the outside person, who knows my struggle, looking in, probably
thinks-well hey! That’s good. You needed to gain weight.
But honestly I’ve felt like I sabotaged all my fitness plans
ever since that day. And that was back in like March. I haven’t been able to
shake that.
I’ve been able to take it day by day. I love my training
program, and my coach. And now that I’m on the right track, right diet, I feel
better. But it’s seriously still looming over my head. And it all came crashing
in again last night.
I caught a glimpse of a picture of myself from over the
weekend. And I hated it. I hated everything about it. And all those feelings of
everything I could have done better, should have known better crept in.
Honestly. Like real honesty time. I wanted to quit.
Out loud
I said to myself, to Jake, I would rather be deathly skinny than look the way I
do right now. I never wanted to be here. I planned out everything. I should not
have wound up where I am physically. I was done.
Disappointed in my weight gain. I just wanted to quit.
ED is right there. And honestly, I can have it back whenever
I want.
But fitness is about so much more than just being shredded.
It’s about strength, and finding that strength, even outside
the gym, to just keep pushing through. Even when it’s easier to quit. To just
not “trust the process” anymore. And right now, I honestly don’t. But that
doesn’t mean I can go back to where I came from. You've just got to keep going. When it’s
uncomfortable, there are tears, you just want to go back to what’s comfortable and easy,
but you wake up the next morning and eat your breakfast anyway.
And that’s where I am right now. I’m really having a hard
time with self love and accepting my body for where it is now. But you’ve just
got to keep trying. Keep working. And that’s my next goal for the blog.
I want to bring you along on my 12 week program. Share my
progress. My highs, lows and all the middle stuff. That is my next plan!
I'm already on my second week and I feel great. I'm trying to let go of what's happened, and look ahead.
More honesty, I'm glad my "planned out recovery" didn't go as planned. Because God has something SO much bigger in his eyes planned out. And if hitting the point I hit last night can help me understand or help just one person. I'm happy.
Also, feel free to find me on Instagram. I want to promote
vulnerability and I try to be as open as I can, and another outlet that has
been mostly private for me is my Instagram. I’ve documented my shift from
recovery to fitness on my second account. Look me up @a.bosslife
In other news, I want to vlog. Maybe that will be easier
than some of these novel posts. But what do you think??
Comment, text, email, find me on IG. Let me know!
Love you all so much
