aftermath

So, I don't know

Writing feels off this week

I suppose maybe I don't even know what I’m trying to express

like, really,

Let me preface all of this by saying

I am okay

This isn’t a fall into the dark side

A step backwards

I love my life

And I’m thankful for my support

Because I feel like I have amazing support around me, I like using this space as my way of just taking time to get things off my chest.

This is an honest look at the aftermath

The aftermath of a lifelong struggle

And a particularly hard month

Where life has just been frustrating

I spend all this time and effort on getting healthy

And for what?

Digestive issues

Skin problems

increasing arthritis

Sometimes things felt better when I was anorexic

And I know that’s not true

But it feels that way 
Things always seem easy when you choose not to look at the problem
Which is exactly what I use to do

I am just starting to feel trapped because I can’t even live into the lifestyle that I want to

I KNOW what I want to fuel my body with

I do in-fact have lifestyle goals

But with all these problems-

I can’t eat literally any of the things I want to

Look

See for yourself:

So then what happens

I prep and prep and prep

And I still eat the crap

Reach for the candy

Eat all the junk food

Even after i make the choices I want

It’s like there is no shut off button to the subconscious that compels me to just keep eating

But I don’t make the healthy choices I want

Because I can’t

Literally entire food groups are off limits right now so my body can heal

Why then does my body digest all the horrible food just fine?

More than anything

My head is just tired of trying to figure all this out

Like,

Just

So

Tired.

I feel as if I’m stuck on this wheel of resisting temptation of just giving in and letting the demons win, striving to make the healthy choices but constantly feeling like I can’t stop just eating anything and everything while all the while wishing I was the picture of health instagram vegan princess.

Really

It’s been just a very prevalent battle of balance

Over the last year

And especially in this last month

It’s just starting to feel like there is some subconsciousness holding me back from actually living a healthy balanced lifestyle

This maybe isn’t the best snapshot into my life post eating disorder

But I feel like these are the moments to highlight

The times where it all just isn’t ok after you’re on the other side

When you still spend hours online searching for the calories in a crepe

When you squirm in your massage because you didn’t work out that morning and you worry about her hands pulling on your skin

When you’re laying on a bed in pain instead of enjoying the 4th of July downstairs

When all your heart is after is to just eat good food and your body won’t let you

Or when you eat all the food and lay awake at night wishing you had a better sense of self control.

And I don’t say all this to get pity points

Or to have you feel bad for me

I really just needed on paper and out of my head

And to be honest 

I love taking to this platform just to get out of my head, so thank you if you're still here and reading along. I'll dive deeper next week on my physical symptoms, naturopathic medicine and the role this has all played in my life over the past year!

Leave a Comment Change, Faith, Me, mental health, recovery

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